


I’m fine, really.

by puddlexdiver



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 16:17:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15911832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puddlexdiver/pseuds/puddlexdiver
Summary: Alec had to stop himself from reaching out to touch him. It occurred to him much too often in the past few days of ignored phone calls and an absent boyfriend that Magnus may not want him to touch him at all anymore.





	I’m fine, really.

Alec felt the wound on his chest flare a little as he walked to Magnus’. His leather coat hung heavy across his sore body and he’d almost let Isabelle talk him out of going. He pressed on though, the tight feeling in his gut from Magnus avoiding him weighed heavier than the pain in his chest.

He gripped the railing of the stairs as he tried to ignore that his hand was very nearly shaking. He’s fine, he reminded himself and took the steps two at a time to Magnus’ door. The ache in his wound slowed his progress and he let the pain steady him, ground him as he sucked in oxygen through his nose and out through his mouth. Once he was in front of the door, he couldn’t bring himself to knock.

What if he’d trekked all this way just to be rejected?

He knocked anyway, the desire to see his boyfriend in front of him, real and attainable, was overwhelming. All he had was a fuzzy painkiller induced memory of him from too long ago. The back of his fingers hit against wood and Alec noted that his hands were definitely not shaking and that he was fine, really. 

It took a moment for Magnus to come to the door and when he finally opened it, Alec noticed that he looked tired. There were hints of dark circles under his eyes and his shoulders were rolled forward as if protecting himself from the world. Protecting himself from Alec. A soft, white tank hung loosely from his body and gray sweats hung low across his hips, the hem draping over the arch of Magnus’ bare feet.

He was beautiful. He was always beautiful and Alec had to stop himself from reaching out to touch him. It occurred to him much too often in the past few days of ignored phone calls and an absent boyfriend that Magnus may not want him to touch him at all anymore. He was the reason Magnus was mortal now. He was the reason Magnus’ life was ruined. 

The light from inside the loft glowed a faint orange from the setting sun and it made Magnus look even softer than he already did without his make up and the several layers of clothing with an armor of buttons that he usually wore. Alec wanted more than anything to take him into his arms and nuzzle his face into his hair and breathe in everything that was Magnus. He didn’t though. He could restrain himself. What had he said to Magnus weeks ago? He wasn’t a child. 

He was strong enough to handle whatever happened, no matter how in pieces he was sure he was going to be in afterward. He was going to be strong for Magnus.

“Hi,” Alec breathed after awhile as Magnus remained silent, just looking at Alec with dark, pensive eyes. He almost raised his hand to rub against the back of his head, a nervous habit his mother forcibly removed from his behavior years ago, but he aborted the movement and tightened his muscles back into the familiar parade rest posture. “Can I come in?”

“Alexander,” Magnus replied, his right hand coming up to wave him in. Alec took in the nakedness of his unpainted fingernails, the general lack of jewelry anywhere on his body. It hit him hard that he’d never see magic coming from those fingertips again.

Alec walked in, keeping his back toward Magnus and his gaze towards the floor. He did his breathing exercise once more, a slow in and out of air, hoping to ease his chest just a bit before he turned to face his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend? He wasn’t sure. 

“I wanted to drop by and see how you were,” Alec began. “I haven’t seen... I mean, I haven’t heard from you since... Magnus, are you avoiding me?”

He heard how his voice got strangled at the end of his stuttered and stumbling speech. He had to turn away then, to face the windows of the balcony. He was supposed to be strong, damn it. 

“Alexander,” Magnus said his name again, resting a hand on Alec’s shoulder. “Please look at me.”

Alec turned to face him and Magnus cupped Alec’s face in his hand. Alec gave in to his impulse to close his eyes and lean his cheek against Magnus’ warm fingers. Finally, finally, the pressure in his chest eased ever so slightly. “Magnus, I’ve missed you.”

He’d missed him desperately. He remembered waking up in a half delirious state, finding himself not dying on the street, but in the Institute with Magnus standing over him, tears streaming down his face and telling him he was sorry, so sorry over and over again. That was the last he’d seen or heard from his boyfriend in days. He’d been confined to a bed in order to heal and not compromise his chest wound. His puncture wound to the heart, Izzy would kindly clarify to him every chance she got.

“You lost so much blood, big brother,” she’d sobbed into his shoulder once he’d come out of his healing coma. Jace had hugged him then too, snotting a little into his neck, not that Jace’d ever admit to it.

“Magnus,” he’d croaked, his throat parched. Isabelle and Jace had gave each other a look that instantly had Alec’s stomach in knots.

“He’s fine,” Isabelle had assured him, petting his recently healed hand. “But Alec, we should probably talk.”

She’d told him then, what he’d forgot or blocked out when he’d been lying on the street dying, that Magnus gave up his magic to save Jace. Alec knew he’d done it for him.

“He stayed for hours, Alec,” Jace had said, “Until he knew you were stable. Then he left with Catarina and we haven’t been able to contact him since. Catarina’s been blocking every attempt.”

When Alec couldn’t reach him after that, couldn’t touch him or hold him and make for certain that he was alive and okay, that was when he started feeling the grief and the guilt.

But now Alec had Magnus in front of him, touching his face. He raised his hand up to anchor Magnus’ hand in place and he gathered his limited courage to open his eyes.

“I love you, Alexander,” Magnus said softly, his thumb stroking Alec’s cheek. A second later, too fast for Alec to adjust, Magnus pulled away from him. He even took a step back. “I suppose I have been avoiding you.”

Magnus said it like it wouldn’t stab through Alec’s heart like the arrow had.

Alec cleared his throat. “I should go?”

He hated making it sound like a question. He should just leave, give Magnus his space, be strong like he’d promised he would be.

“No,” Magnus said, quicker than Alec expected, He turned then and walked over to his drink cart. He carried himself as if he was heavy, the weight of the world dragging him down. Alec supposed that happened when someone gives up an essential part of their existence to save their hopeless boyfriend’s parabatai. Alec stood silent, watching Magnus expertly make drinks. The action felt too familiar to a time that he knew Magnus could never get get back. He felt guilt sour in his stomach. Magnus handed a glass to Alec, and he felt ashamed for enjoying the brush of their fingers during the exchange.

“Thanks,” Alec tipped the drink back and for once savored the burn down his throat. When he opened his eyes, the corners watered a little from the sting of alcohol. His chest flared with pain and he brought his hand up to lightly press against the bandage that still covered his wound.

“Perhaps it’s too soon for you to be drinking,” Magnus said, taking a sip from his own drink. 

“It’s fine,” Alec assured him, but the ever present pain in his chest ached intensely. Magnus studied him for a moment, seeming to not like what he saw in Alec, then took the drink from his hand and set both their drinks back on the cart. Alec shifted under Magnus’ continued scrutiny. “They released me today, I’m fine.”

Alec felt a sudden spike of lightheadedness and turned to Magnus’ couch, barely managing to sit down with his head in his hands.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Magnus asked and Alec hated hearing his voice so full of concern. It was his fault that Magnus had lost his magic and had good reason to avoid him. Alec didn’t deserve Magnus being nice to him. He couldn’t even get coming to Magnus’ place to apologize right. He felt the next pang throughout his whole body, even his long healed broken hand throbbed all the way into his head.

“I said I’m fine,” Alec snapped, tugging at the hair around his temples in an attempt to find some relief. “I just need a few minutes.”

As soon as his vision stopped swimming, he’d stand up, apologize for being such a worthless boyfriend and then leave. He’d go home and lick his wounds in private. He felt the space on the couch next to him dip with Magnus’ weight.

“Did they really release you today?” Magnus asked, his hand coming up again to rest on Alec’s shoulder. Everything melted under his touch. Alec allowed himself to fall back against the couch, his eyes still clenched shut so that the spinning in his head would lessen.

“Technically, they just lifted bed rest,” Alec admitted. “Izzy helped me sneak out of the Institute to come see you.”

Magnus let out a huffed noise of annoyance.

“Alec, you have to take care of yourself better,” Magnus admonished. “Why would you put yourself at risk like that?”

“I had to see you. I had to tell you that I’m so sorry for making you feel like you had to give up your magic for Jace. That I’m so thankful and grateful for you. To tell you how much I love you and that I understand that you never want anything to do with me again. I wanted to tell you that I’ll be fine and not to worry because you’re too good, Magnus, not to worry even when I know you couldn’t possibly be able to stand the sight of me.”

Alec leaned all the way forward to rest his head between his knees. He felt very near throwing up. Magnus’ hand had left his shoulder and Alec felt him move off the couch, away from him.

“Let me get you some pillows,” Magnus said, sounding far from Alec now. “You can rest a little before making it back to the Institute. I’ll have Catarina call Isabelle to come get you.”

Magnus placed pillows on the end of the couch and helped guide Alec down on them, his eyes still shut tight to help minimize the nausea. When he was stretched out, wishing he’d never come by at all, Magnus took his hand in his. 

“I haven’t been avoiding you because of my magic, Alexander,” Magnus said to him, his voice so soft by his ear. Alec slid his eyes open to see Magnus’ unguarded face in front of him, kneeling next to him. Magnus’ other hand came up to stroke Alec’s hair back from his sweating forehead. “At first, I was so scared of losing you and of not being able to save you. I felt so helpless. It’s been... an adjustment without magic. But I don’t blame you. I’d do it all over again to save you from the pain of losing your parabatai. I love you, Alexander.”

“You were gone,” Alec choked, squeezing Magnus’ fingers just to make sure he was real. “I was so worried about you.”

“I’m still here,” Magnus reassured him. “I’m not going anywhere. I just need some time to adjust to my new reality.”

“I love you, Magnus,” Alec said, his eyes fully open. He was seeing slightly double of Magnus’ beautiful face and that was okay for him because two was definitely better than one. Alec lifted up to his elbows putting Magnus’ lips only a few inches away from him. “Can I kiss you?”

Magnus gave him a tiny smile, the corners of his lips lifting before pulling Alec in for a soft pressing of lips. Alec let his eyes fall closed again. Relief flooded his limbs and he reached out to grasp Magnus’ shoulder to steady himself. When Magnus pulled away from him, he laid his forehead against Alec’s. 

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” Magnus said. Alec let out a small laugh.

“We’re both here, alive,” he pulled Magnus into his chest. Magnus’ head rested against him, right where the aching pulsed. “That’s enough.”

End.


End file.
